The major league baseball drug scandal came back. That would be the “ Harlem Shake,” which is not so much a dance as a mass nervous-system disorder, and which makes the “ Gangnam Style” dance we mocked in 2012 look like “Swan Lake.”īut getting back to the zombies: It wasn’t just people who came back alarmingly in 2013. This year was so bad that twerking wasn’t even the stupidest dance craze. And then one night we turned on MTV’s Video Music Awards and YIKES there was this horrifying, mutant, vaguely reptilian creature in Slut Barbie underwear twerking all over the stage while committing unhygienic acts with both Robin Thicke and a foam finger, both of which we hope were confiscated by a hazmat team. We thought her career was over we remembered her fondly as a cute and perky child star who played Hannah Montana, wholesome idol of millions of preteens. Speaking of pathologically narcissistic sex weasels: Also coming back from the dead in 2013 to seek elective office in New York (What IS it with New York?) was Eliot “Client 9” Spitzer, who ran for city comptroller under the slogan: “If you can’t trust a proven sleazebag with your municipal finances, who CAN you trust?”Īnd then - not to leave out the ladies - there was Miley Cyrus. We thought that thing was out of our lives forever, but suddenly there it was again, all over the Internet, as Weiner came back from the political grave like the phoenix, the mythical bird that arose from the ashes to run for mayor of New York and use the name “ Carlos Danger” to text obscene photos of its privates to somebody named “ Sydney Leathers.”
Because as bad as a zombie apocalypse would be, at least it wouldn’t involve the resurrection of Anthony Weiner’s most private part.
Not in the sense of most of humanity dying from a horrible plague and then reanimating as mindless flesh-eating ghouls.
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